I’m tired of Self-Care
Now an everyday term, self care has become a catch-all for looking after our own well being. Industries have capitalized on it, to address mental health it is insisted upon, and thousands of articles offer the many ways to practice it.
Is anything about this inherently wrong? No.
Does anyone else feel like this has become a task on your to do list?
Likely, some of you are nodding..
self care as political warfare
Some might not know the origins of the concept of ‘self care’ and where our modern understanding of it came from.
The term ‘self care’ was utilized by the poet, writer, feminist, and civil rights activist Audre Lorde, who famously stated,
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
This quote underscores the idea that self-care, particularly for marginalized individuals, is a necessary act of resistance against oppressive systems. For her, it was what sustained her ability to show up as an activist and enact change. We see the echoes now in sentiments like ‘take care of yourself so you can show up for others’, or ‘you cannot pour from an empty cup’. These words have given permission to those who notoriously put others before their own needs, such as parents, carers, and those in the helping professions, to take time and space for themselves.
The reality is, if you are always looking after others, looking after yourself hardly feels appealing.
An element of the self care Audre endorsed, was embracing community and healing together. She recognized that we cannot heal alone, and when we heal with others who’ve faced similar experiences to us, the change is visceral. There is also something about communal care that appeals to our base human instincts. For hundreds of years, humans have practiced coming together for care and nurture - through bath houses, churches, red tents, raising children, wedding rituals, and so on. It is natural for us to look after one another, and it is healing to receive care from someone besides yourself.
others as an Antidote
For those of us who are feeling depleted and disenchanted with ‘self care’, communal care and cooperative care might be what we are missing. While maybe a massage or going to a sauna is part of your ‘self care’ routine, it is often limited to how much time or money can be spent on these experiences. Fear not, for there are many ways we can address this.
Communal Care would be described as coming together as a group or within your community, in person or online, to connect intentionally. This might be a support group, or a shared interest/hobby, a walking group, going to a public sauna or pool, potlucks or street parties, a garden co-op, farmers market, or even having a picnic in the park with friends, amongst others enjoying the nature.
The intention is that you are sharing energy and supporting one another, so it is important to choose spaces and people where you feel comfortable and accepted. I was very inspired by a recent trip to Budapest where young and old gathered at the thermal baths for a day of relaxing, connecting, and just being a part of their community. The baths themselves were located within the city park, so even once you left you were surrounded by merriment and people gathering.
Co-operative Care is a shared experience between two individuals where you both benefit from the exchange. This should feel equal, and not like one person is receiving more than the other. Communication can be key in ensuring both sides needs are met, and in professional settings this might be contractually agreed, such as you pay for the service up front. This might look like your typical self care services, such as massage, facials, the hairdressers, etc. It can also look like an exchange between family, friends or a partner, such as trading massages, brushing/braiding each others hair (yes, really!), one growing vegetables and the other preparing a meal to share, trading household tasks such as one person mows the lawn and the others cleans their windows, trading professional services like a haircut for acupuncture.. the possibilities are endless!
As a teenager, I remember how relaxing it was to do a ‘make up swap’ on my friends, where we’d take turns painting each others faces. It was nice to let go and see what another person found flattering for you, and you always wanted to do your best so they’d be happy with their results!
Another thing to note, when it is someone you trust, the exchange does not have to be on the same day. You can allow yourselves the space to feel truly pampered and relaxed.
A holistic approach
All of this to be said, we cannot have one without the other. We need our time to ourselves, there can be great value in being alone and listening to your own thoughts, getting to know you outside of being in relationship with others. We can reparent ourselves through our own love and nurture- ensuring we go to bed at a decent hour, cook ourselves nourishing meals, practicing self compassion..
When we spend time with others who we feel care for us, we can learn to trust again, enhance our communication skills (such as expressing our needs), experience receiving and what it is like to not only give, and feel a greater sense of safety and groundedness in humanity and our community.
There is a need for both. And for those of you who also feel tired of practicing only self care, it might be worth giving communal or cooperative care a try to help balance your overall wellness.
Flower Essences for Self Care
If you want to further support your fatigue around self care, please see if any of the following flower essences call to you. All essences can be considered a form of self care, and truthfully, cooperative care because there is an exchange between you and the plant. There are many that can help with your specific lifestyle and concerns, these are just a few suggestions for common patterns.
The Healers
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The caregiver who gives until they are left resentful. Helps to develop the ability to give without expectation.
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For those who hide their emotions and struggles behind the jester’s mask, laughing it off in front of others while self soothing with alcohol, drugs, or food when alone. Can help you to feel your emotions and process them.
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Those enraged by injustice and want to tackle the world’s problems at their well being’s expense. Can also become rigid and forceful in expectations of others. Help to soften and share the work with others.
Situational/Helpers
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For deep exhaustion and addresses the need for rest and rejuvenation. Allows you to wake up feeling restored.
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For feelings of depression and sadness with no clear cause. Helps to part the clouds and allow light back in.
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For those who are pushing through against difficult times, all while neglecting their own needs. Reconnects you back to yourself and others who absolve the loneliness of struggle.
If you’d like to know more about the difference between Healers, Helpers, and Situational, check out this post.